many many things have changed since then, i have had both ups and downs...things got even harder for a while after that last post, but i am at a point now that i will envy forever--while things are not perfect, the happiness and hope i feel each day is exploding through every part of my body, mind and heart.
after that last blog, i fell for another, a best friend of mine..and of course, things ended with that harshly. and they ended the day i lost my job and found myself entirely broke, homeless and jobless. so what to do then? i never lost hope..i mean, i was in norway and after all, things could be a lot worse..at least i had people that care about me. and in that extremely difficult time, i was suddenly surrounded by the love, care and assistance of all those people. everyone had suggestions of what to do to make it work, where i could go, help to find a me a job, the offer to loan me money etc. most of the things though, i had to do on my own. the biggest help came from a family that has adopted me as their own...they have given me a place to live, no questions asked.
at the same time, going through what i thought to be a broken heart was probably the hardest thing i had to deal with. there is no cure for that but time. not having to nanny anymore, i continued to work for the technine and next production movie tour, and the very weekend that would have never happened had all those negative things not occured...a sudden and abrupt change came into my life.
driving up to lillehammer, i was excited for the first time in weeks to be focused on getting a little money and just hanging out with my friends and enjoying a little vacation away from the chaos of life in oslo and bærum. i went up with the strict mentality of the fact that i would not meet any guys--for the first time since i hit puberty i think i finally had passed the point of searching and i was content with my nearly mended broken heart and being alone to focus on MY life for a bit. afterall, i hadnt met anyone at all worthwhile in the relationship department in the past 5 months in norway and i had finally accepted that for the time being, life was about figuring out my future and there would be plenty of relationship searching later on when everything was sorted out. to make my point i continued to CLAIM to the guys in the car that i would NOT be meeting anyone nor hooking up with anyone...i was over the point in my life that random hook ups were at all any fun, and i was JUST going to have fun with my friends.
enter arrival in lillehammer. we pull up to the club bingo'n to set up for the events that would take place later in the evening and immediately i hear myself say, OH no. there are 3 relatively good looking boys standing outside the club waiting for us. turns out to be the DJ and 2 of his friends. for some reason, one of them...the one in the black hat with purple brim, there was just something about him that stood out to me like godzilla in a field of midgets. but whatever it was, i decided i wouldnt let that affect my pledge to not meet anyone and just hang with my friends.
welp kids, i got news...that plan failed. after helping set up, me and some friends went to a pre pre party, and then on to the regular vip pre party. at this party, was that boy...kristian. while i tried my very best to avoid talking to him, distracting myself with my friend jessi, and having to go back to another place to get my camera battery, it seemed that no matter what i did, the attraction was stronger than i could resist, and i ended up talking with him the entire second half of the party. when we had to go to the club early, he decided to come as well, and he also immediately bonded with my best friend jessi. so we get to the club, and im sitting at the door...but it wasnt without the company of kristian and jessi. i sent the two of them off with my camera as people started to come in, but that was not without the frequent visit of the boys, and often lingering visit of kristian to my post at the door. it was now i realized that this was not about to just fade away, at least not this evening.
kristian even began sneaking me clear vodka drinks that appeared as water so i wouldnt get in trouble for drinking on the job...clever boy. when i was done working at 1130, the video was still being played and it was as if some superpowered magnet brought me right to kristians seat. ok so fine, i guess i decided to just give in, a little anyway. there was something special and i couldnt avoid it at this point.
as about 90% of the guests left right after the film at 12, but the party was set to go until 3, there was maybe 15 of us left to fill the dance floor for the remaining 3 hours. kristians good friend even was djing so no matter what, he would be staying. i had to stay because everyone i was staying with had to stay since we were in charge of the event, so why not make it a fun time and hang with my friends as a i promised. yeah...that went well. i ended up spending time with kristian all night...but it wasnt a normal what you think picking up someone at a club is like. it was more like talking a bit, getting to know eachother, and dancing like retards to heavy dubstep. and then i knew, alright, this is something entirely different than i could have expected. we continued on to the after party, and on the walk there, kristian said something completely random but i will never forget it. he told me to go stand on a storm drain. i refused haha, and was pretty confused actually. but either way, it opened our conversations to a whole new level, and i began to see there was much more there between me and him than just a casual meeting someone at a party.
this led to the super cheesy, awkward yet astoundingly cute moment of (while sitting next to eachother on the couch) slowly inching our hands together until at last they touch and we know its okay to actually hold the others hand. and conveniently at this point, my bed had been given up where i was supposed to stay, and lacking any sort of blankets or sleeping things, i gave in to kristians offer of a place to stay up at his cabin on hafjell (only 45 minutes in a cab) and the choice of my own bed and bedroom if i wanted it. at this point, i had to be careful. in my mind, there was really something there, something unexplained, but something nonetheless, and i would NOT blow it by having some meaningless drunk hookup. so i spent the night with him, but fighting against all temptation, would not do much more than sleep.
which led to the invite to stay with him the rest of the weekend. as the next day progressed, it was as if something really clicked. he wasnt afraid to cuddle me on the couch in front of his friends, give me attention, yet treat me as a gentleman should....
we had much to talk about...
and the rest of the story is history. nearly a week later, it had progressed into a fully fledged relationship, including the entire facebook officiality. and not much later, we both realized, we had both tipped over the edge and fallen head over heals, into love.
and so now we get to the point we are at now. it seemed as soon as i met kristian, somehow my attitude towards everything changed. nearly a week later, i got a job, and had settled my life somewhat into a workable schedule. i had a plan again, and while not certain and not long term in terms of living situation and so on, it didnt matter.
and so now it comes. everyone hates reading mushy words of a person in love. those who are in love themselves have their own ideas and feelings to obsess over, and those not in love are either searching for it and angry they cant find it, feeling lonely, or even, perfectly content with the single life of fun they have. theres nothing at all wrong with this...but from here on out, my aim is to share some words of hope...not some mushy words of love meant to fluster others.
but being in love can teach a thing or two to a person about life. while i have been in love before, it seems i did not notice many things before now...this time is different. for one, i cant explain to you how strange it is to think about life before meeting that person. its as if you feel like you never lived before you met them. but as that honeymoon phase wears off, and you share more and more about your past, you begin to realize the depth and complexity of the life of the other person. how they became the person they are, the person who, without them, you would feel lost.
suddenly each day takes on a new meaning. you realize the true meaning of selflessness and caring about someone more than yourself. you realize that you love someone often because you love who you become in their presence. their troubles become your own, but you are more than happy to take on any of their problems, because it just means having more of them in your life. but with their troubles also comes their joys, and these far outweigh anything.
you simply realize that some of the greatest joys each day come from the smallest of things. each moment is precious and things that once mattered so much, no longer seem to haunt you or stress you. while this is of course a facade and nothing can stay perfect forever, i have to alter that by saying things are only how you make them. how your relationship is with another person, and how you feel day to day, its all your choice. you choose how to react, how to feel, what attitude to have. sure it sucks when things go wrong but with the right attitude, you can choose to focus more on the things going right.
as it is soon time for me to work, i suppose i should close this up. there is nothing more to say than love is a gift, and it takes 2 very special people to make it work. but i can promise you will know that it is something special. and like EVERYONE says, its true, it comes when you least expect it. i had all but given up, decided to focus on myself and then BAM, it hit me like a high speed train going 500 mph. never give up hope, your someone is out there. and for those of you who have found love and lost it, there is always another someone that it out there for you. the first was just not the right one, but going through that first love taught you many lessons that you will take forward in your future. no one can tell you where that person is, or when you will find them, but when you stop looking, and focus on your own life, they will come. and they will flip you upside down and shake up your life in a way you couldnt imagine. but everyday, you will be thankful. everyday will be a challenge, an excitement, a struggle, a bit scary, a joy, a memory, and a day to appreciate and hold in your heart forever.
if you are willing to open your heart to love, the possibilities of joy and growth are endless.
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect, you aren't either,
and the two of you may never be perfect together
but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you
every second of the day, but she will give you a part of
her that she knows you can break her heart.
So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze
and don't expect more than she can give.
Smile when she maked you happy,
let her know when she makes you mad,
and miss her when she's not there.
-Bob Marley.
“Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.”
“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.”
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