life is never easy, not even in paradise.

as could be expected, even here in norway life isn't always stress free. in fact, i feel i have encountered many of the most difficult personal situations here that i have ever experienced, but i suppose that is what makes this place so special. each of these situations allows for boundless self growth and personal achievement (when i finally let go of the negative), and the lessons i learn are priceless.

most recently its been an internal battle, one of trying to figure out if what i want, is what i should do...or if the best thing is to sacrifice my immediate feelings for a potentially better outcome in the long run. sometimes, it is best to just make life harder at the moment, to make it easier as time passes.

when you can see all the obvious choices lain out on a plate in front of you, with the possible concequences to each, it becomes a game of weighing which possible NEGATIVE outcome is the "worst" worst thing. you know, no matter which you choose, something will have to buckle, something has to give...but its a matter of--do you break your own heart to preserve something that is really good, or do you chance loosing something really good, to get something great, but have it potentially go all wrong and lose everything all together?

it has been determined by intense thinking, and running my mouth for hours to friends and family that what i must do is sit back. i must accept that no matter what i do, there will be a difficult part of it. now that that decision has been made, the challenge becomes, letting go. sitting back. moving on. how do you tell yourself to just stop thinking and feeling alltogether?

there was a time when i was little when my father would read me quotes from a book of zen. i never contemplated what zen was, or how it could affect me, but a few days ago i stumbled upon this, and it just made me realize, maybe zen is something that can help lead to a better attitude on coping with difficult moments such as these. "No thought, no reflection, no analysis, no cultivation, no intention; let it settle itself." there are no truer words than that.

we are only human, so who are we to try to CHANGE and THINK about all these complex things we think and feel. maybe plain acceptance is the way to do it, and from that acceptance, you begin a process of allowing yourself to just let go. to not think. to be free.

so it is that which i must do. allow myself to have freedom from the mind. freedom from thought. seperate myself from the brain and allow myself not to think, but just to experience. while i am still in one of those moments, those moments that makes you go, WHYY?! i know, in time, i will look back and realize how much of a stronger person i became through it. how much i gained and how much easier it will be next time - yes next time, because undoubtedly there will be many more such as these.

so for now, i bid you, and myself a farewell, with just this thought..."If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are." - Zen Proverb.

life is about acceptance.